Torturous

My wife stayed sober for a month and I found out she drank on Halloween. I told her I knew and she still tried to talk me into starting to date her. The kicker is that it sounded so good. At the very time I shouldve had more resolve I had less. I wonder if the only reason I want that is so she wont fuck someone else. She ended the conversation by saying she was done hurting me and wants me and her to move on. That is a terrible thought. I get so scared that I have jumped the gun and ruined any chance we couldve had. Today I have been trying to forget her. Forget I ever knew her. I t worked for a while. I put my gangster heart on and truly believed I didnt care about any girl ever. But it wore off. Im also trying to picture her fucking some younger, better looking, bigger dick havin dude. It raises my body temp instantly. But I reason that getting used to that feeling and the idea will better prepare me for it. I know my thoughts are disjointed and random. Sorry. I should read this blog from the begining to remind myself of the last 2 years. Because Im ready to throw out the divorce just to save myself from the pain of her moving on. Im so scared I wont quit loving her ever. If its gonna be this way I would rather she just her up and hookup so I can feel this shit. I have no hope of getting to a place where it doesnt matter. I hate my life. Every second is pain or fear or axiety or anger or sadness. I wonder how long it can be like this.

Dad Passed

My Dad passed away last Friday. I was able to be with him the 2 days prior and most everyone who needed to be there was there. He died peacfully. Thanks to all of you who have said prayers for me and my family over the last couple of years. Special thanks to Kel and Mantramine. He will be missed so much. I have so many things that have happened over the last few years to look back and be grateful for in regards to me and Dads relationship. One love.

Having Fun and Gettin Attatched

Bout to get off work. I am looking forward to my weekend very much. Im going to a wedding of an old friend and bringing the chick I have been seeing. The grooms brother has a history with her and last time he was in town he asked her to come meet him at a park and he tried to mouth kiss her when he saw her last even though he has been married for a long time. He also dropped her as a facebook friend so I bet his wife dont like her. I dont blame him because being married sucks and this girl is hot. We are gonna get a kick out of watching him squirm though. Its just me and my youngest tonight and tomorrow. Easy to handle one at a time. Plus there is a skate contest tomorrow that we can go to. I will probably drag him to a meeting tonight and maybe to dinner with the 12 steppers. We also are gonna go see Dad who is in the hospital with a few annoyances. I wish I wasnt so broke all the time. Im so bored with my job and really thinking about doing something else but I dont know what. I dont think my stress level could handle a failure though. So this chick really likes me. She claims that Im the only person she ever fucked she could look at in the eyes during. Im also starting to get attatched to her and that is not what I was looking to do. Im going to have to make some decisions soon about what I wanna do about that. We have been having some discussion about it already. Im not keeping any secrets about my fucked upness or my desire to not be attatched or my still existing feelings for my wife.

Premature White Hot Pain

White hot painshooting through my heart. My legs get weak and hot. When I got scared today about my wife being with someone else it was like I instantly needed to take a diarrea shit. I went to the batroom and cryed. I imagine her with someone better, younger. I cant seem to get it out of my head. It makes me want to run to her and confess my sins and beg her to forgive me and come back to me. I suspect its not even about love but I dont care. I dont want to hurt. I dont want to go through it. I cant see why I want her back. She lies, drinks, drugs, acts out with females. But as far as I know I am the only one who has had a physical relationship. Maybe this is the same ting as me being the last one to know she was drinking. She is human with needs. She has been running on instincts and sex insticts mix with drinking like gas and fire. God dammit I want to remove her from my mind. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind style. I dont even know if I like her much. I know I like her affection. I know I feel like she is mine alone. Other than that she is not intellectually stimulating. She dont cook. She dont clean. She doesnt try and have a lot of sex with me. Oodles of resentments and judgement and being critical and lies stand between us. Lies known and unknown. Even the lies she doesnt know harm us because I know. I wont trust her. I will want to and make myself think I do for a little while. Then reality would settle in. Then comes the self righteous indignation. I never would have done anything outside of us if I hadnt read that love letter 2.5 years ago. You said you loved her and you didnt love me. You said it. You wrote it. You cant unwrite it. I cant unthink it. Not for long. But I still want to act as if. I want to ride up on my white horse and save you from my pain. How am I ever going to handle being a single dad tonight.

Boring Update

Well its been a month since the big decision. Im stressin over money a lot. Losing her income was huge. She got fired shortly after moving out. I dont think she has worked in over a month and really effectively 2 months.

Im geting along. Coming to grips with not being with her. Yes Im seeing someone. I dont wanna talk about it. It is irrelevant. Im not going to get into another relationship and have been very honest about that fact. Unfortunately I dont know if she grasps it well enough but fortunately since she is moving 4 hours away I dont think it will be a big deal.

I still havent found a spark of motivation at work. Im not that psycho lately though. I had 2 bad stretches or 5 days and 2 days of pure fear and anxiety. Not bad really. My estranged wife is 12 day sober if you believe her. I know that I can only hurt that process. I could surely make her feel better by taking her back but it wouldnt be the best for her or me in the long run.

Strange thing this morning. I woke up wanting a drink. I guess if that continues I will have to get worried. The girl Im seeing drinks socially but often (so ironic). One of her ideas of fun is having a few drinks at a bar. So Ive been in more bars lately than Im used to. Not usually for long but just more. Maybe thats the reason I woke up thinking about a drink. Maybe its being single. Ive never been single sober. Maybe I think it would be nice to let loose for a while. Insanity. Well like I said it was a random urge that left quickly but I will keep an eye on it.

The Bandaid is Being Peeled Slowly

I have had to weekends in a row where I have tripped the fuck out after having a good date. Last time it lasted for 3 days. This time just one. I think it was kicked off by the horrible dreams I had about my wife being a junkie drunk and pawning shit to get high and getting fucked my the big fat fucking Latin dude who she woud never fuck sober. The guy in the dream is actually a guy I know so I hope I dont subconciously dislike him because I dreamed this shit. The last dream I was running from her and her new fuck and her friends and maybe family. I was holding her dog and I was trying to steal it to sell it lke she had sold my shit.

I just got off the phone with her. I told her Im not contacting her to check on her anymore. She flipped because I deleted her from my facebook. She was begging me in photos that werent even mine. Only because she doesnt understand the whole tagging thing. I cant keep having the same conversation with her just because I get freaked out and scared. I revert back to intense resolve to leave her as soon as I talk to her.

Its still so fucking scary to try and get her to accept that we are done. Because she will move on at some point. The idea of someone else touching her and fucking her causes my heart to almost stop. Im pretty sure its a fear ego insecurity possessive thing and not a love thing. But what if Im wrong. Im ending it. Im forcing her into someone else. How could I possbly stand it?

I do think about taking her back. It would be great for a few days. Maybe. But then again maybe the first time we make love I will have a new cast of charaters in my head. But lets assume I wouldnt. Eventually we get comfortable again and the resentments and fear creep out. The ledger.

Chosing to go back would be me chosing comfortable ad familiar pain over going through the fear of the unknown. Fear is such an effective motivator.

Elephant on My Chest

Well it all seemed so easy for a few weeks. Enjoyed the peace of mind, the smugness of knowing she regreted her actions, the exciting new casual girl, and the clean house. Damn if I didnt hit a wall of terror. Terror that it was all about to be so totally over and I could hear the clanging of the door so loud in my head and I could feel the air go out of my chest and I couldnt quite get it back. I found myself sobing and snotting like someone who had just burried their best friend. I guess its not that far from the truth. I miss her so much but I dont even remember the her that I miss very well. She was like 5 years ago. After my 2 days of paralysing anxiety and eventual break down I felt better. Numb. I feel it coming back slightly. The nerves in my stomach are starting to rattle. Im tempted to make a deal with her that after 3 years and a minimum of 2 years sober we plan to get back together. Just so I dont have to face the reality of it ending. She was my soulmate. My best friend. My partner in recovery. But she wasnt convinced to her core. She had reservations that would ceaselessly devour the life we tried to build. One of the reasons I cant take her back is that I cant know if she still has reservations. If I knew that she was thoroughly convinced and ready to do anything to stay sober I think I would have to try once more. She would be glad to tell me this is true but Im done believing that. We are in the show me stage and unfortunately I cant wait the needed time to be convinced of her sincerity. So Im moving on. My emotions cling to her and scream at me that I need my other soul to live and be happy and whole. Im bettng that they will change their mind. I dread the day I see her with someone. It will be the worst day since the days when I started this blog. It may even be worse than the day I found out about the emo affair. Im so scared of it. I lay awake thinking of what she might be doing and who she might be with. If she is drinking it could be something very sick. I wanna protect her from herself but Im giving up that job so I can start to protect myself. She lost her job and hasnt worked in weeks. She isnt going to make it on her own. She is going to have to find someone to take care of her. I wanna vomit just thinking about it. Im afaid I might kill a motherfucker who might try and take advantage of her desperation. Sweet sweet baby life is crazy. Im so sad now. I dont feel better at all. I thought I would if I blogged. Whatever. Feeling the fear is probably part of it all.

Good Advice No Thanks

Well that good feeling lasted a good while. I have come back to earth though. Im having a lot of fear and anxiety over her and what she may be doing. I am still resolved though. I knew this was gonna come. It just had to. MM says I should stay away from women. Thats sage advice. I wont follow it but its still sage. I am having coffee with a girl tonight. No big deal but its still a situation where I asked a girl I think is hot out for coffee. I also have what I assume is called a date Saturday night. Its an old friend but shes hot so friend shmend ya know. I highly doubt anything is gonna happen anytime soon but I do like hanging with girls. I stayed up all night in New Orleans running around gambling and acting stupid with a girl last Saturday. No romance just a lot of frank conversation and silliness mixed together. The whole impending date/coffee stuff has helped me not think about my wife. Its really the only thing that could. I guess when Im hanging out with large groups doing stuff helps too. I was in New Orleans for a conference so that helped and when I have played cards the coupla short times it has been ok too. But I still go into the Depresson Hole pretty quick and easy. Money is gonna suck soon. Whatever. You should see this girl Im gonna see tonight. See is almost as hot as the girl Im gonna see Saturday. I hope Im not blowing my best dates to early in the game. Naaaa. Neither one of them are anywhere close to healthy. Thats probably why they said yes.

That Which I Feared Freed

How does finding out the worst stuff you were scared of actualy put you in a good mood for hours. Sure at first I drove like a maniac home to confront and then screammed and punched door frames but now I feel great. I just stopped our joint account from processing debits and will close it once everything clears. I guess I could take my ring off. I think I will wait. Sort of a built in excuse for not jumping into a relationship. Not that I want to but Im getting the full court press already from several beauties. Crazy. They just wanna fix me up. I would tell yall all the bullshit but I just dont wanna talk about it right now. It might bring me down.

Bring On The Fucking Future

Im haunted. By lesbian ghosts. By the future stalker I will become. This aint gonna be no second dating peroid. Its gonna be an emotional nightmare that ends in fuck you. The fact that we cant afford this and that she has take the whole week off to look for a place to live that she cant afford makes me wanna put her through a wall by her throat. Sounds like a lovely thought to be having before she comes over and plays house. This is gonna get fugly. Im gonna need some serious detatchment. Some black belt detatchment shit. Like even when she comes over being in a completely detatched state of mind. I need to be able to cheerfully send her away like I had a lovely time and do stop by again. Like that'll happen. Im gonna be a psycho fucking freak. Whatever. Bring on the fucking future mother fuckers.

She Gone

Shes gone. I told her I couldnt live in the limbo. I couldnt sit there and discuss possible apartments or roomates with her. All I could do was cry and try and talk her out of it. I told her I would leave until she found wherever it was she was going. She said no. She had to be the one that leaves. I even suggested yesterday that she stay and I go because I have places to live for cheap. I have several places I could go but no. I think in her fantasy she is also getting away from this house which is a wreck and reminds her of her failure to pitch in. I guess thats the best case scenario. The worst is that she is lying and has some secret stuff she wants to get away with. Im glad she is gone. I could see she was 100% committed to leaving so its better to get on with it. I cry when I look at her. I never knew I could cry so much. I lost 3 pounds of water weight. To Gods credit I havent managed to smoke yet. Ive had the cig and lighter in my hand. I just keep thinking about my son and my dad who is dying of cancer and even the dissapointment of my sponsor. I just have to go through this raw I guess. Except for sleep medication. Gotta have sleep meds. I went to sleep at 8pm on Monday and slept till 3pm yesterday and was back asleep by 11:30pm. I had to get up early today to take my son to school. A new duty I will have now. My instincts are kickin hard. I want a female to make me feel better. My plan is to just throw myself into recovery, home improvement, being a father, and hopefully work. I cant get the thought of her finding another female interest to fall for. It haunts me.

Leaving Me

Well when I said I would talk about the fallout I didnt realize just how much there would be. She is planning on leaving. She says its a separation that will help us rather than a separation with the intention of splitting. I dont believe it. I think she wants to be free of me and thinks maybe she will realize she wants to stay with me but may also realize she doesnt. So what could be going on that isnt getting air time? She is using, she wants to use, she has a romantic interest, she is really just done and trying to spare my feelings, she needs financial help from me, she wants her son to be able to still use the house after school. Im sure there are more. Personally Im simply inconsolable. I wanna die. I cant see happiness if she leaves. Typical reaction right. Of coarse I dont think you understand. You dont know how special what we had was. We were Mickey and Mallory. So what now? She wont be able to move out because theres no money. So I get to just feel unwelcomed indefinitely I guess. Im going to try and act as if Im supporting her in whatever decision she makes and moving on with becoming a better person in general. Its just a rouse. I want her back and I would rather cry and beg but apparently that will have the opposite effect according to general opinion. Im going to just freak out everytime she goes to hang out with anyone or does anything. Im going have visions of her in someones arms. Kissing and telling each other how beautiful they are. She doesnt want me to keep being fucked up about her affair but its still there alive and well. Damaged goods we are. Unsaleable. I called her today and could hardly talk without tearing up. I love her so much and I just think we should try being around each other as much as possible before we try being around each other less. But she wont buy that. She doesnt like me much I dont think. Or at least she doesnt like how she thinks I make her feel. Anyway I guess I will just try to accept everything absolutely on the outside and act as if. On the inside Im dying.

Apparently I Will Believe Anything

I have so much to say but why bother. Ive been using this blog as a journal really. I know I get occasional readers but really the only usefulness has been getting my thoughts on record. And getting bullshit on record. My wife disappeared again last night. We were having this disturbing conversation about how she isn't gay but is sexually attracted to women and I was upset that she wanted to go to a strip club but only without me. She decided she needed to go talk to someone so at 11 she left and was supposed to be back by 1. She texted at 1:30 saying she was still talking. I just texted "OK Love you". I wake up around 4. No wife. I trip out leave a text that said "typical" and a voice mail explaining my displeasure. Then I went crazy and just kept calling her phone. Then I went to sleep and had a nightmare that she was missing and came home and I was choking her. Isnt that the ultimate Alanonism? To murder them. That'll stop their unacceptable behavior. Anyway I call her sister at 6am and get her to call just in case she is just scared to talk to me. No answer. As her sister is telling me this my wife walks in. She was actually pissed at me!!! Because she was here the whole time but had fallen asleep in the driveway. Why she stopped in the middle of the drive way is unexplainable. I dont even know how to begin to figure this out. Either she was fucked up and didnt wanna come in or she was really just getting there and lying. Im just gonna talk some more tomorrow about the fallout of all this. Later self.

No Escape

Im close to the bottom. I feel the impending doom. I see me losing everything. The job, the wife, the son, the house, the sanity. Im in the pit of despair. Havent slept. Went straight to work from a poker game where I lost a weeks pay. How am I not smoking? If my Dad weren't dying I would smoke and be damned. Even though it hurts my kids. There is no spiritual relief for me. No God comfort. Only a long tedious road of consequences ahead. Aint it grand the wind stopped blowing. Make a firm resolution. Fail. Not this time. No resolution. Only despair. And my little malcontent. For him I will trudge ahead trying to do the things he needs me to do. I wanna die to self. My ego will find a way to rise like a phoenix out of the smoldering ashes that is my ruined life that it itself burned to the ground. There is no escaping that fact.

Spoiled Man Child

I was leaving a meeting thinking about how I have no faith and no feeling of having a personal relationship with a Higher Power but then I thought about the times I needed Him so much that I begged for Him and he really came through. I had a thought of how my son treats me very much the same way. Never happy about all that I have done for him. Only worried about what I doing for him right now. Not to mention he is constantly upset with me over the tings I didnt let go his way. Exactly my relationship with God. No more advanced than a spoiled child.

Despair Dejour

So sad today. Life is crap. Me and my son had a major fight. He told me he hated me and he wished I would kill myself. It was a very long thing that I dont want to recount. We both lost ur tempers and said regretful things. His mom is mad at me because I picked him up of the ground by his arm and it has a little bruise. Basically I ended up thinking he was never going to want to see me again and without him I couldnt imagine breathing. I felt so alone. I imagined not being able to get out of bed. I couldnt even watch tv. How could I go to work and function in that much pain. I imagined just taking drugs to go to sleep and trying to sleep 24/7. I begged God to help. My son called and apologized. I cried. I was already crying. So we made up and I got to see him briefly at my Dads bday party.

In the last week I dumped 70% of my online poker money that I had been building up over a couple months. Sucks. I can either drop down in stakes and grind or just go broke trying to get it all back. Trying to get it all back is every bit of the problem. Maybe the other problem is that I cant imagine my life without poker. Thats gotta be unhealthy.

Other tha that my marriage is flat and I hate working. But my son loves me and thats enough to keep grinding (even though deep inside part of hm loathes me).

Moments Sublime with Intervals Hilarious

I feel like a mostly done puzzle. Theres just a few peices that I keep trying to make fit but they just dont. They look almost right and feel almost right but I can see that subtly they do not. I try to leave them in but they bother me. Like a sesame seed stuck in my gums. Im not unhappy though. Just unfinished. Im just glad it feels like most of the puzzle is done. Ive felt so fragmented for so long. Im sure this is just one of those delusional spaces between chaos that I wont ven remember feeling when the terror is on me again. Soon.

God's Special Little Creature

I look up while in the shower this morning and basically begged God to change me. If I keep being critical and mean and crass and negative my wife is gonna leave. When I think she might leave I panic and cry and beg. I really dont get me. Im gonna cut back on cards too. Im running so bad and it just depresses the shit outta me. Im up a coupla hundred for the last few months but I should be up a coupla thousand. I just wanna try and focus on my marriage and my work. Its so hard to work. I just wanna run for the border most of the time. I bet if my boss told me I was close to getting fired my attitude would change quick. Its such a good paying job with bennefits and its not hard or sucky work. Again I really dont get me. Dads been in the hospital for a week now. Ive been visiting daily. He is very fucking depressed with the state of his life. Its hard to be around him. I wish he was one of those people who knew he was going to a better place. I wish I could be more cheerful. We sit there in silence much of the time. Waiting for the end it seems. Im a lot like him so we just sit there like peas in a pod. God I want a cigarette. I really want to get high as fuck too.

Im a loner who enjoys people

The times I feel discomfort: alone, at work, sitting in lame meetings

The times I feel good: hanging out with friends, involved with my kids, playing cards, eating junk food in front of the tv, sitting in very good meetings

Maybe I should just up my feel good activities and lessen the discomfort activities. The only problem is that isnt pretty hard not to work or be alone. Im alone most of the time.

True Love Once Felt is Like the Nexis

Im getting more selfish by the day. The longer she ignores me and cancels on our dates and lays in bed "not feeling well" the more I wanna just run out and live as if its over. Its just a reaction type thinking. We havent been intimate in maybe a month. Not good for a couple trying to mend things. Im eating emotionally again. Im actually considering smoking again as if its some rational decision people make when they want to suppress their appetite and lose weight. Im thinking I could just smoke for 3 months and eat virtually nothing. So sick. Somebody bitch slap me. Im scared to go through quitting smoking again. I need to get busier with my steps and sponsor. Living on the basis of unsatisfied demands again. Fuckity fuck fuck. I need to start concentrating on other important relationships. Maybe I should just have an affair. Get my physical and emotional needs from someone else. Im just ranting. I know having an affair even with the best result would not fill my needs. The best result being it stays secret and doesnt hurt anyone. The way more likely result would be it doesnt stay secret. Can you really trust your new affair person to not become possessive of you and do things to ruin your marriage like talk about it to the wrong people? I dont think so. And theres so many other ways to screw it up too. Im sure you would eventually be seen in a public place with her or maybe you'd slip up and leave an email or text message open. No, an affair isnt the answer. I guess really trying to figure out if we can have a good relationship or settling for whatever it is could be the answer. Sometimes I think we've figured it out but just cant let go of the notion that we could be like we used to be again. True love once felt is a hard thing to give up on. Maybe too hard.

Social Network Adulteraphobia

Mother F!#*ker. My old lady joined Facebook. Now Im freaked out by it. Im already pissed about one of her first friends who is an ex highschool fling that makes my skin crawl whenever her and her sister bring it up occasionally. Im gonna fucking obsesse on her stupid page now. I wanna get her password. I wanna keylog the computer. Im scared shes gonna fuck around. I have to say I was pleased that she eased up on myspace. She still has the emo affair in her top 5. Sounds gay to say. Ewww not in her top 5!!!! Fuck it though. Social media is highschool redux. Im sorry if Im a little sensative. Hacking her myspace and seeing the truth on our anniversary no less was absolutely the worst day of my life followed by the worst week of my life and then the worst year of my life. My sponsor is gonna tell me not to look if it bugs me. It'll bug me more not to look. He will tell me to work on myself to point that I am not attatched to what she does on facebook. Not gonna happen today. Probably not this month.

What Fear Keeps Us From Doing

Get up from my desk. Grab my stuff. Go to the car. Peel out of the parking lot. Go see Mr. Big. Talk to him about my business venture. Get advise on getting financing. Get money. Build it. Open for business. Struggle to get it going. Feel hope and excitement and fear about making it work. Go personally bankrupt. Start to show profit. Start to thrive. Live the dream.

In a Meeting

Sssssssssssssssssss Thats my head decmpressing. Im sitting in a meeting. My defects have been running a muck in my head surely because Im working on a 4th step. Uh Oh The pressure in my head is suddenly growing. They are talking about having a conscience. Im tempted to tell them that if they had a conscience they wouldnt share everyday in this meeting where 10 people out of 100 share everyday. Guess I'll pray a bit.

A Matter of Balance

Theres a lot of stuff in my life that conflicts and causes chaos even if only in my head. Even this blog is a trade off for time I could be devoting to things I consider more important. Sure having an outlet to babble may be important or maybe its just the good being the enemy of the best. The best being to let my sponsor know everything I truly think, feel, do, plan to do, hide, hate, etc.. What if instead of blogging I would go pray. What if instead of facebooking and having secret friends to engage I instead engaged my wife or my real friends with a phone call. Instead of trying to entertain you or shock you or make you feel sorry or proud of me what if instead I chose not to feed this ego and do something for someone that would never know it was me. Let me see what I can say to jusify not changing anything...ummmmm...oh I got it......here it is : Im sure its a matter of balance.

Poker Whinning

Losing night of poker. Lost big. A third of my bankroll. Im trying to be philosophical about it. It was just winnings. I am still up $250 and have spent $300 of it on the bachelor weekend. It just blows cause my graph (if there was one) looks like steady up hill and then big ass drop. This has always been true with me. My wins are usually more frequent but my losses are way worse. I guess I just steam off an extra $200 everytime I run bad. Anyway. So what. Poker players lose sometimes. Often actualy. If I didnt lose I couldnt win. If losing didnt hurt I wouldnt strive so hard to improve. There we go. Atta boy! Pray. Pray. And pray some more.

Arrrggghhh

Ive had a sponsor and have done what he said for 5 days. Im still crazy.

Happy is Relative

Well I have so far followed my sponsors suggestions. I talked to my sponsors wife at length and she decided to tell me she thought I didnt feel like I deserved to be really happy. She asked had I ever been really happy. I told her that is relative so how would I know. I bought a prayer book called Illuninata and I used it this morning and last night. I have goofed off all day at work. Its my bday and my boss is gone so......I am excited that my poker blog may be getting linked up to a cool little site and may be a featured blog. I love my poker blog. I also use that blog to post stupid pics and such. Ummmmm what else.......Dads home and getting stronger. I guess that may continue until the next whatever. I guess thats all.

Surrender ...... again

Well I turned it over this morning. I rehired my sponsor. He imediately gave me some Good Orderly Direction. Thats all I want. Just tell me what to do. I dont wanna be friends. When I call I dont wanna force conversation. Just get me through the program. I read the 1st step on accident in the Alanon How It Works book and realized I was ver much on that step. So thats pretty convenient. Maybe I will be able to function in society again in a few weeks. Right now Im just failing. I hope I can stay the coarse and take the suggestions.

Bourbon St. is F'in Scary

Where did the time go? It doesnt seem like a week ago I blogged. I just told my boss that Im pretty useless and he should give me more projects to work on. I left work Friday from nausea and chills and stomach ache. I think it was stress related. Went to a bachelor party Saturday night. Got hustled by a pretty lil dancer. I didnt mind. Sick what they think grinding on your lap is worth. Holy shit fucking Bourbon street at 2am is like the thug olympics. I was scared I was gonna look at some gangsta the wrong way or just catch a stray bullet.

No Life Support

Sitting at the hospital. Doctor told Dad eventually the tumor would cause bleeding again and it would kill him. He asked him if he wanted to be put on life support. He thinks no. I cant stop crying but luckily Daddy is asleep and not watching me wipe my eyes.

Eat Me Beat Me Lady Where Are You??????

Is anybody out there? The Eat Me Beat Me Lady????? Talk hard!!!!!! Would you like some whale sperm with that???? no thanks.

Spent the majority of my weekend at the hospital. I was really thinking that maybe Dad was gonna have to have a dangerous surgery and could very possibly no survive it. Instead he had a "procedure" that to this point seems to have worked. 5id I ever tell you all that I live a block away from my Pops.

I told my old lady that her current efforts werent cutting it. Im sure part of that was my fear about Dad. Ive been really good for a long time at leaving her alone. Alone to be depressed. Alone to sleep a lot. Alone to smoke her cigs and watch Americas Top Model or Daisy of Love. Alone to not clean anything or make sure her son has food. Alone to never take care of life chores like take her son to the dentist or get an insurance quote. Alone to take pain pills from strangers for her headaches. Alone to never go to meetings or participate in any recovery program.

I guess now that my son has passed 4th grade I can switch my priorities back to harassing my wife. Anyone got any better ideas?

Mo Drama

Sitting in the hospital listening to dad snore and waiting for him to get a procedure to stop a bleeding ulcer. It has to work because the surgery to fix it would probably do more damage than good.

I had a big fight with the wife last night. I couldnt get in touch with her. She was supposed to be at a friends watching tv but she would answer her phone nor would her friend. Then she texts me from a bar like it was no big deal and expalining she couldnt hear the phone. I was pissed Maybe because of my dad I was over pissed. But having just found her looped in pain killers I realy didnt like her going to a bar without telling me. I told her that because she doesnt work a program and self medicates and disappears for hours at a time in the middle of the night that I wouldnt be shocked if she was using and even if she isnt Im still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I told her I just want to know is she is using or planning on it. I actually laughed when I realized I was looking for that type of promise from a junkie. She tried to use the fact that I was at that same bar last weekend which is so ridiculous. I told her that first off I told her where I was going and second I have double digit sobriey and she has double hour sobriety. I came to find out later tha she and her friend had gone to meet a guy friend at a different bar to eat appetizers and then walked to the other bar. Such bullshit she didnt call me to tellme she was doing that. Then I told her to come home and she says ok but calls me 30 minutes later to tell me she is talking to an old friend there. Anyway she came home and she wasnt fucked up and Im over it but Im realy sick of her dissapearing acts. All I wanted was for her to pick up some thing to help my sons sun burn on the way home. I feel like I had an alanon relapse for getting so upset. Im sure some people dont even think she did aything wrong.

Stupid Cancer. Stupid Agnostics

Stupid cancer. My dad had a bleeding ulcer. The same bleeding ulcer that almost bled him to death a few months ago. Now they think its some tumor or something pushing it from the back. Sounds strange to me. Good news is he doesnt seem to be bleeding today. If he bleeds then they may do surgery or they may say sorry but we cant do anything. My dad also may opt to just stop all treatment at that point and go home and ride it out till the end. Its definitely past the fantasy of oh he could do chemo and live another 5 years. The cancer is growing and wrecking havoc. Now we are shooting for 12 months. 12 months of feeling shitty from chemo and cancer. I really dont know what I want here. I want Dad to tell me that whatever happens he is ready for it and is ok with it. I want him to tell me that he believes this is just a transition to the next life. That he will see me again. But he is agnostic. No comfort in that. I wish he had something to look forward to.

They Just Cant Hide Being High from Us

I guess I'll skip the bad blogger schpeel. Ive also been a bad blog friend. I havent been reading blogs either. I have been immersed in facebok and twitter though. Anyhoo.

Im not sure why but I feel good. Maybe its because poker is going well so I dont have to be glum about that. I had a blip of despair on the radar when I cam home from an alanon meeting to find my supposedly sober wife fucked up on pills. She claimed it was for her headache so I figured just to leave it alone. She still isnt contributing much to the household though. Instead of finding her looped I was expecting to find her cleaning as promised. Oh well. I've gotten really awesome at expecting to do things for myself. So I did the cleaning anyway. I wonder how this is gonna play out. She doesnt have any recovery program or fellowship. Her close friends have admitted drug and booze issues. She is at the store right now with the girl whose boze I foun in wifes closet. I know you dont beieve her but I do. I can tll instantly when sh is fucked up. I asked her what she was on the other night and she told me. Then she proudly reminded me later how she didn try to hide that she was on pills. Wonder if I hadnt said something what woulda been said. Anyway love you all and miss your beautiful input. One love.

Pissin

I wanna make twice as much and do 4 times as little. Not that I could do much less but time wise I am putting in the full 40 hours. Ive been thinking about the happiest time of my life and it really has to be the time I worked from home for a few months. Granted not much got done but damn that was great. Sigh. I gotta do this thing. Even if its takin a shot at poker life. Im not gonna do anything rash but I gotta start putting in the work away from the office. No wonder its hard. I have to work twice as hard to achieve the ability to work less. God Im bored. Im such a spoiled brat. 99% of the world would kill to have a high paying desk job no matter how boring. Here I am pissing it away.

The Lucky Ones

Sittin in the nursing home. My Gramma is the belle of the ball. She has about 12 visitors. We took over the "Sun Room". Im sure she will get some jealous abuse at Bingo later. I imagine I may not see her alive again. Then again there are people living here that look like they've been dead for years. They lay in their beds with their mouths open starring at the ceiling. The lucky ones. The people who didnt have cancer or a heartattack or a stroke.

Sweet Sweet Baby Life is Crazy

My life is so chaotic. I have like 7 websites I try to keep up. I wanr to start one that Im gonna try and make money with. 2 facebook profiles. I play cards and basketball. I go to a ton of meetings. My house is falling apart but Im never home so I dont care. I dont think Im gonna do anything to stop it though. Im not giving up anything. Im more likely to actually do more. I need that 4 hour work week. I wanna play more golf too.

Risky Biz

Im tired. Ive been back and forth to Nawlins to play card for the last two weekends. I only played two tournaments but I ve made a small amount in both. If I coulda been a little less unlucky I might couldve had a bigger payday. Im about go back and do on more tournament. I am not sure if I really wanna go. Success means playing from 9pm to at least 5am. Winning would take till 11am. Driving home at 8am every Sat and Sun makes for some long tiring weekends. Im happy about where my bankroll is but another thousand would really give me the cushion I need.

On the life and shit like that front Im trying to just sit back and let things play out. There's a few things I feel urges to do but something tells me to chill. Feelings are a dangerous thing amd they can make you risk it all for fleeting moments. Thinking I can treat my emotions like some game of Everquest that I log in and out of is a total delusion.

God Loves Lakes

What is it about lakes? I was in an Alanon meeting at lunch and I left early because I just couldnt see the point of siting there thinking that I need to pray and meditate. I decided to instead go pray and meditate. I went to my old apartment where there is a pier and a lake. I prayed for God to direct my thinking. I started to think about whether or not turning my life over to hi care means I should try not to care about my life. The answer I got was no. I felt like God was telling to enrich my life. Also that I should ubderstand that personal relatonships are the most life enriching endeavors. But that I should discount my own likes and wants completely. I began to notice the sun glistening o the rippling water. The breeze was strong and steady. It was like a thousand shootig stars every second. Funny that when I seek God I see the most amazing things that were in my face already. I felt like God was telling me to seek the good. Seek the beautiful. Seek that which can not be judged as anything but perfect. Like nature. Like my sons sense of humor. Like my wifes love of animals. Like my other sons artwork. Seek their heart and stop trying to find their shortcomings because I not changing them anyway with my fault finding. I tried to think of what my wife could look at as perfect with me. Maybe she would say my commitment to AA. No matter how I think its not working on me or on you I still know I must keep going to AA. Maybe she wouldnt say that. Its pretty much the only thing I think Ive done mostly right. I think God told me to stop focussing so much on whats wrong in and around me. And to cut myself a lot of slack. We'll see. I have a tendency to hear it and forget it very quicky. I need to go to a lake everyday. Oooooo I could have my backyard pond fixed. That used to be a good God spot.

What If This Is It

Maybe this is as good as its gonna get for me. A mediocre marriage, a boring grinding job, problem children, a sense of overall unhappiness, a lack of a true relationship or faith in God, and living paycheck to paycheck and never getting anywhere. The joys in my life are my AA friends, poker, the good times with my kids, playing basketball, facebooking, blogging, and tattoos. I wonder if the overall unhappiness cold be solved by the God thing. I bet it could. Dear God....Will you go with me?

Oozing

Oops. I sure did take a long blog break. Nothing new I guess. Just the same clarity that I am running on absolute fear that is very deeply rooted. Fear of pain at the root. Ive heard of experiments where an animal is shocked when eating enough times that it gives up an starves itself. I dont know if thats true but it helps me undersand why knowing about fear and how it is manifesting in my life does not mean I can stop it from being present. You will suggest that I have faith which is the ooposite of fear but its not that easy. Im very aware that my fear of pain also applies to God and to letting go. Im actually convinced that choosing to have faith in God will bring even greater pain. Like Jesus right? Anyway Im not discouraged. I do have this feeing like I could be on the verge of a break through. But until then I shall have to be happy ust seeing my fear and feeling like Im walking around with a big open wound with fear oozing out and not being able to hide it.

Shocked and Confused

Well Im shocked really. My wife told me she was thinking about leaving me. Im not shocked about that but about the fact that I really dont want her to do that. I am flodded with all this sorrow and affectionate feelings and shame and guilt about how Ive ben acting towards her. She asked me to leave for a while and I talked her out of it. She thinks that I can promise to be nicer but only manage it a coupla days. She may be right. She drives me crazy. She doesnt do anything the way I would. I also dont think Ive ever let myself believe she loves me since she told her affair that. It hurts my hurt just to talk about her affair. Its still right there in my face. She told me her affair was drinking again. That doesnt make me feel any better about anything. I was proud of her for making amends to me. Something my wife has never done formally. Anyway Im getting off the subject. Sometimes I curse not leaving when I had the golden ticket. Am I gonna curse myself for not leaving this time? Is it my fear or pride that doesnt want her to move on or is it my true love for her? I have so many layers of fears that I cant really tell whats true.

Meanness to No Avail

Im pretty convinced that I am terrified of the kind of pain I got two years ago that Im almost unlovable and unable to love. I think I harm a lot of people in the process of living in fear of pain. I got a reminder of what it is like to be in agony last night. I wont go into details but I spent 2.5 hours last night filled with dread that my wife was drinking. I drove around looking for her. I sat on the porch listening for her car and being scared of the sirens I heard. I imagined a police car would pull up to give me bad news. I got scared because my gun wasnt where it was supposed to be. I sat by the window for an hour with a land phone in one hand and my cell in the other. I called her friends. I called the hospital. I almost called her affair. I finally decided that I couldnt sit there forever. If she is drinking then theres nothing I can do and if she is leaving me there nothing I can do. I went to bed sorta. I had a god eye on the carport. When she finally pulled up and I saw from her car what she had been doing and knew she wasnt drinking I got pretty angry. Before she left she told me not to worry and that she knew I would be nervous about her because she was basically recreating the circumstances of her taking her first drink a coupla years ago after many years of sobriety. I figured she would be gone 15 minutes max. 3 hours. Late night. Thats some serious worry. So there it is live and well. Her ability to hurt me has not diminished even though Ive been distant and mean. I realized the other day just how out of proportion my anger and annoyances were with her. I realize its something in me that is so quick to find fault with her and feel overly angry about it. I bet it would take a lot of work to root that shit outta me.

Wheels and Deals

Lots a stuff goin on. Im gonna buy a car. Ive been obsessing about it ever since my other car broke enough to make me decide to get a new one. I hate buying cars more than anything ever. I hate looking and finding that promising deal and then finally starting to lean towards it only to find out it has been sold. Im a deal guy. Im not gonna buy a car unless I know I getting a friend deal or screwing someoneout of the profit. Looks like Im gonna buy a 2007 Altima for what kbb and edmunds say is trade-in value. $4000 less than the lowest sticker price I can find for this car on the ole internet. No wonder the richest people in my city own the car lots.

What else .... um ..... I figure Im bout to work the steps again. Why not. Ummmmm I still am watching my diet and havent started back smokin. I hope I never take another fucking drag. I cant be like lil miss smoke once a year Jade. I wish. It was such a bitch to quit this time that mybe it'll stick. I think the chantix makin it seem easy was one of my excuses for starting again. The marriage is real shitty right now. I dont care to figure it out right now though. I might like to get laid this year but whatever. Not if I have to act like shit isnt fucked up to get some. Going outta town this weekend to a fishing/poker trip. I dont fish but fuck it. Bachelor party thing ya know. Too bad its in a spot where there is absolutely nothing to do but fish and get drunk. Man if anyone ever reads this they are gonna fuckin out me. That'll suck.

Cruel Intentions

I woke up this morning with horrible heartburn from eating Sonic fast food right before bed. I decided this morning that now that I've quit smoking I should obsess on losing weight. Im incapable of having balance so will just make this my life goal. I got in my car this morning and had to laugh. I never do this but last night I bought some vanilla Zingers to eat this morning and left them in my car. I saw those tasty Zingers and just laughed at how this cruel world loves to kick me in the nutz. Like my really good friend who hasnt had sex in 2 years who finally has a one night stand and gets pregnant and yes, the guy wore a rubber. There has to be a God. Only God could make this shit reality. Oh well I guess I will get off that trip. Im sure God knows what He is doing. Anyway so far today I've had a haf a can of diet Coke and a shit ton of water. Im starting to feel pretty bad. Gonna have a headache pretty soon. Isnt life awesome. Do you really think its a coincidence that everything that tastes good or feels good is the worst thing for you? Ok Im gonna get off the cruel world trip now.

One Day Closer

There' has to be a God. Only a God cold make life so sucky. It couldnt be random. Maybe it means there's a point. If so then great. If not who cares. Im not busting my ass to figure it out. I know I dont have it as bad as millions of people. So what. So being unhappy isnt as bad as having your stomach burn from hunger but its still shit. I woke up this morning to dog diarhea and throw up. I sang a parody of the Folger's commercial about the best part of waking up is being one day closer to death. I usually wake up pissed during the week because it feels like shit to wake up. Why? Why does it have to suck so much ass to fucking get going in the morning? Why does it have to suck to put one foot in front of the other and write that press release or wash those dishes or cut that grass ad infinitum.

Being 10 is Still Tough Apparently

I would go to jail for the rest of my life if it would guarantee my son a happy life. There's no more helpless feeling than your child hating himself because he cant seem to make friends. It gives me a sinming feeling just writing it. Its been this way at his new school and now in he neighborhood. I know exactly why. He is a really cool kid but if he feels insecure around you he is going to try and impress you and its very very uncool and annoying. Ive tried to stir him in the right direction but h wont listen to me about anything. He will agrue or disagree with me till he is blue. I dont want to shatter his ego totally but he acts like JoJo the monkey boy around the other kids. Look at me Look at me!!! He brags about things he can do and then cant do them when his bluff is called. Then he will go into hate mode and hate everything inclding himself. Im taking him to an Alateen meeting Sunday. I hope he can get some insight into overcoming insecurity because these kids are writing the book on it.

Waitin on the World to Change

Why do I hold on to the idea that someday we will make each other happy again? Just because at one point it was inconcievable to think we would ever be apart. Just because we made each other so happy for so long. Maybe I just dont want to go through the process of leaving. Such a long daunting task to get emotionally, physically, and financially separated. And then there the kids. Oi vey.

I dont even see the girl I married in her anymore. Maybe I was blinded by love. I dont think so.

Am I still so angry about her stupid "emotional" affair with the lesbian that Im not able to let her back in? I dont think so.

If I had to guess I would just say that she has been in the dark for a few years because of workaholism and drug addiction and depression that shes just a hot mess. I guess Im just waiting to see what she looks like on the other side. Shes eventualy gonna get busy livin or get busy dyin.

DBA Biotch

Geek status upgrade. Ok I know Im definitely not even close to even novice geek level but I am happy to announce that I have officially pulled up a list of data from a MySQL database using an live asp page. I have officially administered a database. I am looking forward to figuring out how to make this shit more useful than just having a field listed on a webpage but Im still stoked about the first step. DBA Bitchez!!!!!!!!!

Sad Songs and Waltzes

I guess I've alienated my followers. I guess you can only wallow in self centered sickness for so long before people dont wanna hear your shit anymore. I wish I could write some abstract fanc shit like Mantramine. She is a talent fo sho. Ok I have a confession to make. Im fine most of the time. Im not depressed. Im not full of fear. Im not anxious. Im not ate up with flaws. Im not battling with cigarettes. Im not sizing up girls to act inappropriately with. Im not tempted to sneak off to the strip club. Im not losing my ass at cards. Im praying nad meditating. Im making a few more meetings. Sure Im not loving the fact that I may be married to a chronic relapser but Im in a good amont of acceptance about it for now. So why do my bogs sound so morbid and sick? Well I only tend to blog in down moments. Thats it. No mystery really. Its just rants and pity parties. I guess sad song and waltzes arent selling this year.

Loneliness Such as Few Do

Im sitting in a gas station parking lot. Im supposed to buy some drinks on my way back from the meeting. Driving back from the meeting I realized how much being so alone is wearing on me. My wife wroked till 9 and came home and went straight to bed. Weeeeee. We got along pretty good for a coupla days a coupla weeks ago and then she got sick again. Jaw pain this time. Dentists think its just servere TMJ aggrovation. I wish I felt comfortable enough to go to a strip club by myself. It would be nice to get some attention even if it was fake. I wish I knew where some AAs were hangin out. This Philadelphia song by the Boss isnt helping.

PG-13

Mind is racing. Like Im walking through a labyrinth of LCDs each playing with some random memory or fantasy. Mostly I have sex on my mind. Past sex, currently available sex, and future possible sex. I feel sucky cause I cant smoke and I alreay cant drink or drug. I need a fix. The most memorable sex for me still to this day was when I was 17. My girlfriend was on the counter in the bathroom. She was a freak of nature. Little bity waist and huge breasts. The kind women twice her age pay for. She was Coloumbian and tan everywhere. She was very in love with me. She was the homecoming court girl and I was the skater kid who could give a shit. She loved it. I remember how crazy she went when I started rubbing her (rhymes with skit) with my thumb while we were (rhymes with ducking). I wonder if I'd ever felt that adequate or have ever felt more adequate since. There was another girl who couldnt get enough of me. She told me how good I was and knew exactly what to do and said I was sensual. But she thrashed around a bit too much for my taste. It was seriously like being in the rodeo and just trying to stay on. I dont know why I saying all this. Like I said I have sex on the brain.

Misery Calling Orson

Every nerve is trying to overthrow me. They wont stop screaming. Just below the surface of my seemingly normal outer layer they flail and scream. Like the damned people in the lake in that movie with Mork and the "show me the money" guy. I just gotta make it to lunch. Dad's taken me out I think. Probably to Hooters. He acts like they have great food. He loves to flirt with the waitresses. Dirty old man. Up until a coupla years ago all my girl friends thought he was good lookin. All the ladies in the neighborhood loved to see him jogging. Anyway seeing him will make me glad Im doing something that makes him uber happy. Plus it will remind me why I cant give my body extra reasons to get cancer. Realistically I'll be lucky to live 25 more years anyway. I guess I can get some cheap insurance in a few weeks when the evil poison leaves. Gollum is on my back telling me everything he can to get me to crack. I gotta keep going. This is the last truly awful day. Day 3. The next month will just be about an eigth of the suckyness of today. I need a slow sweet hug from a strange girl who smells good. That always makes everything better.

Cameron Frye

Im on the merry go round again. Panic is my only feeling. I could stop it all right now if I just stop holding on to the notion that I want healthiness in my life. Even the kind that feels awful. Long run bennefits seem so far away. If I get hit by a bus tomorrow then whats the point? Being true to myself maybe? But wait the unhealthy one is me. Maybe its choosing who I am. Taking a stand against my own nature. When I focus on taking one stand the other temptations in my life bubble up. It seems so rational to tell myself to take this comfort while this other thing is so uncomfortable. I gotta take a stand. Like Cameron Frye.

Check In

There's a lot of seemimgly tough things going on. Relapse, lies, financial woes, trying to quit stuff I dont wanna quit, sadness. I had the mother of all spats with jr last night and of coarse I said things I wish I hadnt. So despite my good run of mental health lately Im sorta sad but in acceptance today. I guess thats all.

Pawn to Rook 4

Well Its been two years ago today that the bomb went off and I found emails between my ole lady and her best friend saying they loved each other and she didnt love me. We've since decided she was in the midst of a bad relapse and very confused. Whatever. I know that pain is bone deep and is always gonna be there for me. Z years ago today we got married. Such a crappy day to have such polar anniversaries. Last Friday she confessed to some mor relapsing. I knew something was up when she didnt wanna pick up a year chip. Well Im not too worried about it. Either she will do better and change or she wont. I doubt she can make anything cose to a year if she doesnt. I on the other hand am doing well. Im very much reinvigorated about the program. I started more regular prayer and meditation a week or two ago. Im doing the thing where I fight judgement with gratitude. Pretty neat way to accept things. Ive also been trying to make good moves in my life. I started Chantix today and will quit smoking yet again in the next few days (I hope). Theres some other things Im not going to get specific on that I have had to look at . Ive cut off somethings and other things are changing. It hard to prune away things Im attatched to in the hopes of strengthening my whole self. Oh and I got up 30 whole minutes early today. Not enough time to do anthing really but its a start. I need to find a schedule to work out. Im on the kick again that I wanna lose 25 lbs. Im not gonna start out by running or anything really but rather trying to make the space in my life where it would fit.

Titles Suck

Ive been trying to fight every judgement good or bad with gratitude. Its pretty effective. Just thanking God for whatever this thing that has caught my attention is going to bring. I was having a good run with it until I pick jr up frm day care and he is upset again for getting fucked with. And then I get home and my wife who decided to work all night and wasnt even home when I left for work this morning has some sob story about getting hurt and having to take pain killers and has obviously not left the bed all day on her only day off. I feel like just leaving the house and not coming back till morning. I basically told my kid if someone gets in his face he can push them back and if they take it to another level to kick some fucking ass. I told his aftercare teachers to wake the fuck up so I could have it on record of me complaining so when he beats some kids ass I can say he was provoked or if he gets his ass kicked I can say they were fucking warned. I saw two kids almost fight while I was waiting on jr to get his books. The south sucks. Its 95% of the time a black kid who is cusing my kid or threatening my kid or hitting. At his last school he had to get his class switch cause some giant 130 lb black girl who had failed a few grades beat him up during fucking class. I guess whitey fucked up their parents and grandparents and every generation since slavery so much that its gonna take a few more generations to de-disfunctionalize em if ever. I guess it doesnt help that the heroes of their young culture promote and exploit violence. Anyway I get Im just venting. Im gonna go outside and try to pray and meditate.

There is No Spoon

I started practicing some creationism a week or so ago. I made a statement that I was going to stop my bad luck poker streak and it happened. I must have subconsciously also decided to look deeper into it because I found my self reading a book at the book store based on the title that turned out to be about it too. I read/skimmed the whole damn 239 pages of that book. The book told me I knew exactly where to find that book and it was no accident. I think I actually had the guy write it. The book also confirmed my thought that God is unnecessary. That He doesnt give a rats ass what we do. But we can chose to involve Him and that makes it so. The only thing I can figure is that the world is just an experience and doesnt need to be a certain way. If we blow it up in nuclear war it doesnt change a single purpose for its existence. I bet there are plenty other worlds with intelligent life and there will be new ones evolving too. So if the earth blows up so what. If we know anything its that all things in this realm will eventually die. Well maybe not die but change into a different type of energy. If we had a global conciousness of this truth then we could create a better world for ourselves but Im sure MPJ would agree that humans as a group are a virus at this point. Oh and the book also said I should cut myself a lot of slack and not resist evil. It said what you resist persists. So Ive decided that I am completely sufficient for God and this will maybe help with me trying not to fear God and rather let God do some godding on me and be Love.

Fear and Mistrust

Im just taking some notes for myself on the thoughts Im having. Move along nothing to see here. I think the only problem I have is deep rooted fear. I think the greatest fear I have is of God. I also think thats a problem. People tell me to fear God and nothing else but that makes no sense.Even saying thismakes me nervous about it because its so ingrained. I think now this is just a social control thats been used since the dawn of civilization. How can God be love and need to be feared as well.

I also think my greatest flaw is mistrust. I try to figure out where this comes from. I wasnt abused or abandoned as a child. I think the two maybe be very directly related. Maybe my fear of God causes this mistrust. How can I trust something I fear? I also think that I myself am only trust worthy up to the point of self interest. So without having the ability to think beyond that boundary I transfer my own mistrustfulness onto the whole world because I have no other perspective.

I can see so many examples in my life of illogical mistrust. Never let the females get too close. Never care too much about any one thing cause it can be taken away. Try and control the shit outta my kids to overcome it.

So if I can overcome the fear of God I think everything else would have a shot at falling into place. But who am I kidding? This is evolution. This is thousands of generations of conditioning.

Brooks Hatlen Knew It

Im struggling to find sustained happiness. I have some things that I feel good about and things I dont. I also have things I like that maybe hurt me in the long run and many things I dont like which are obvious bennefits.

My son makes me happy. When he does something Im proud of or something he is proud of, it makes me happy. I love just going to eat with him. He does drive me crazy when he throws fits because he isnt god at things which take time and practice which he hasnt done but I guess thats just the frustation of seeing your kids struggle with life lessons that we cant seem to get them to internalize.

Other than him I like my dogs and I like playing sports and games. I like going to 12 step grops but that is a lot more enjoyable when I feel like Im doing better.

The hard stuff Im sure you are aware of. The depression, the struggling relationship with my wife, the job, the smoking, the struggle to find a lasting faith. I wonder how much would be olved if I found a solution to the depression. I keep thinking about getting back on medicine for that but never follow through.

Sometimes I just want to check out for a while. Do some pills or smoke some weed. Sometimes I wonder how long it would take for drinking to get bad. I dont put a lot of stock in these thoughts. I think they just let me know that Im really fucked up. It always seems like its gonna last forever when I get here. I feel useless and faithless and hopeless. I will eventually try and take some positive actions such as the steps and stuff. I wonder if Ive ever really done them at all sometimes. Maybe the relief from the drinking obsession was a pure gift and not the result of my brilliant step work.

I feel like Im droning on about the same stuff al the time but fuck it. Its my blog. If you dont like it dont read it. I just feel better when I sort it all out in writing. I would find it boring to read if I were not me. I'll end with a short but poignant quote from Red in Shawshank Redemption: "Terrible thing to live in fear."

Another Nail

Well hell. Our big night out never happened. She let me sleep through it. As many times as I come wake her up for naps she decides to let me sleep. I usually wake her up 3 or 4 times to get her up when we have something planned. I guess she figured I was too tired since I dont often take naps. But the way Im taking it is she really doesnt want to spend time with me. She stayed out the night before I left town and the night I came home. Thats just weird for a couple I think. Oh well. Another nail in the coffin. Ive been awake for 5 hours and only had one cig. It only took me about a week to get physically dependent again. Now Im already trying to cut back and its hell. I wanna start excercising I think. Id like to lose 25 pounds. It would take a long time to lose the last 8 pounds. I need to be smart and not set myself up to fail like always. I gotta find a way to make it become something I enjoy. Maybe I could find a super hot chick to run with. Nah. Running is not a good look for me nevermind that Im slow and probably make crazy noises. I need to find a few more basketball games to run in. I have 1 and could use 3 more. Of coarse Id have to eat better. Bleh. Maybe I should go the other way and get real fat and just use hookers for sex. I guess I should just stick with the trying to do what I think God would have me do and also be of service to my AA and Alanon comunities for a while. Double Bleh.

Happy Ending

Arrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh. Trying to be of service and putting one foot in front of the other one sucks. Its exhausting. I just wanna go to bed and wake up for the apocolypse. I almost wanted to cry at the thougt of getting out of bed last night to go help jr. with his homework. I wanna smoke a big fat fucking joint and watch TV. I guess Im gonna go to an alanon meeting at noon. Id rather go get a massage and a happy ending. BTW Ive never done that. Im sure you wont believe me. Im sad too because the only person I feel connected to lives in fucking France or Argentina or someplace like that. My old lady wants to go out tonight. She has been MIA lately. I hope it doesnt suck. Its depressing to have time set aside for the wife and then it sucks. It feels like another nail in the coffin. Pretty soon I'll look at the coffin and I wont find any room for another nail but I still wont bury the mother fucker.

Star Wars 4

Ive been coming to the conclusion that of myself I am powerless over my character defects. I can point to 6 out of the 7 deadly sins where I have concrete examples of things that I do that I believe make my life worse and yet can not will them out of my life. The AA book talks about attacking them on the flank. I think I get that now. Instead of attacking my defects I could just try to be concous of what God might want me to do and try to think about how I can be of service. Thats maybe what they are talking about when they say God conciousness or concious contact. Not that I will walk around ike Julie Andrews with Blue Birds landing on my shoulder and the clouds parting for me. Having said all of that I must say I feel very overwhelmed with the idea of trying to do as God would have me do because Ive reached this point before maybe with not as much clarity or surrender regarding my defects and I always lose my willingness or momentum even though I always bring me much peace. So maybe this clear realization of my lack of power will bring me from boyhood to manhood in the sense that the 12 and 12 talks about it in the 6th step. Or maybe its jus another cycle through the solution and back then to self will. I have a start though. I passed up a planned activity yesterday that was simply self indulgent in order to try a find a more meaningful and spiritual way to spend my evening. Maybe today I will get some divine relief from my shortcomings. Or maybe it will take more time and effort for God to remove my defects as He finds it useful.

Selfish Dribble

Im sitting on the beach at 9am watching the snowbirds walk the beach. Im not sad but I feel slightly lost. I dont know what it is Im supposed to be doing. Nothing seems to fit. Except for a few cyber people I feel very very alone. Hanging on in quiet desperation. Constantly scanning to horizon for some instant gratification. I relate to Jody Foster's character in The Brave One when she says this is all that I am now. I feel more like Misery Marketing than I do my real self. I care more about my fantasy online presence than I do my real self. Thats evident by the disregard I have for my job while I surf around the net cavorting as MM. I feel so shallow in my skin. I feel complete and important as MM. Stupid huh. Anyway Im just running my mouth. Dont worry Im sure Im doing a lot better than it sounds.

How Soon is Now?

Shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

Just wanted to kick this post of with a little Morrisey. Its good music for when you feel bad and refuse to feel better because you cant have it your way. I wonder if I would rather be sad than bored. On my FB page (real not misery) I have a popular post going asking peoples favorite Prince song. Almost everybody has one. Why? Because he has a perfect song for every occasion. While not my favorite my Prince song for today is the over played almost cliche Purple Rain. I never meant to cause you any sorrow. I never meant to cause you any pain. Good stuff there. Im listening to Dracula's Lament from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Maybe I'll listen to some sad Dwight Yoakum next. Enough about music. I used to think I was going to do something extrodinary in life. I would be super successful by ding something really cool and superior. They talk about it in Fight Club. Raised to believe we are going to be rock stars or movie gods. Now Im just a regular squirrel tryin to get a nut. So be it. But Im gonna get every nut I want that I can fuckin reach. If you are in my way I will either go through you or sneak around the back. Im leavin town again. Im gonna go do whatever the fuck I want. If she dont like it she can start tryin to do things that make me not want to leave her behind. But thats the fear right? She'd rather let me go than find out whether or not she can make that happen.

Possessed

I had a choice one time. 1. Let my wife drive away and drink, 2. keep her keys from her knowing she is going to fight me or try to flee on foot, or 3. I could buy her booze and let her drink in safety. Its a real eye opener to know your wife is going to fight you for a drink. To see that cold rage in her eyes is something I'll never forget. That was 4 days after she drank one beer one night. She hadnt drink before that for 9 years. I am her. If I drank a beer tonight, in 4 days if you try to keep me from a drink we will be fightin. My life is always so much better than is supposed to be as long as I dont take one drink, one day at a time. And the way I bought her whatever she wanted and watched her get drunk in the living room. (thanks for the comment VR, it needed serious editting!)

Cloaked in Truth

I am Tyler Durden. Im a version of myself unbound by social traditions. Many of the old social taboos are crumbling in the real world too. People are refusing to limit themselves. We are figuring out through our cyber anonymity that many of us think and feel in ways we were conditioned to be ashamed of. Theres a whole new society of people who are admitting not only their fears but their desires and oddities and finding the are accepted and usually not even close to being alone. Its ok the tell someone I wanna fuck you in a clown suit and shove toys up your ass. Its ok to admit you were sexually abused or raped and to admit how you think it effected your life. Its ok to say that you had gay experiences or still do for that matter. Its ok to say you were beatin by your dad and you still wet your bed sometimes when you dream about it. The truth even when its hidden to some cyber degree is still setting us free to an extent. I am The Serenephobic aka Misery Marketing. One day maybe my worlds will colide and you will know me as ......

Corporate Death Burger

Im feeling very anti-establishment today. I want to go underground, stop paying taxes, stop supporting all multi-national corporations, kill or grow what I eat, home school my kids, bike or steal my gas, and build a solar/wind powered mobile home and go park it in the middle of nowhere. Whats the alternative? Fighting for more of the scraps the corporatacracy lets the bottom dwellers have? or maybe "Acceptance is the key to all my problems today"? I cant very well start a worldwide coup cause they would kill me. Oh well. I guess I'll just try to enjoy my coma. What's on tv tonight?

How I Der'n

I know my blog is boring when Im reasonable happy. Here is the update. 17 days no smoking. Still trying to do God's will. Still being sorta my flirty, naughty self sometimes but still resolving not to do any extra curricular romance. I had a straight up "you're so fine" tossed at me the other day. Those sure have been rare the last few years. I run with a younger crowd which just makes me the funny older dude most of the time. Ok thats it. Im lookin for more FB action so look me up. My FB name is Misery Mark E. Ting. Love, peace, and hair grease.

Card Dead

Im on this bad losin streak with cards. I've lost like 5 times in a row. It sucks. Its not fun to sit around and get no cards. Last night I bluffed of my stack twice just trying to use my tight image against a table full of calling stations. Stupid. I played all night and my highest pocket pair was 99.

Sicko Ex-Friend

I came face to face with the true nature of addiction at the stage where nothing matters except feeding the beast. A friend of mine who considers me his best friend stole a large sum of money from me to gamble with. Ive helped this dude so much over the years and particularly the last two years. I just let him stay with me for a couple of weeks due to health problems and me not wantng him to be stuck in his aptartment with no tv. I also paid some traffic tickets for im so he could get outta jail. No more though. No more bennefit of the doubt. Not only did he steal from me but his parents too. Fortunately I figured it out sooner tha he expected and I was able to find him and take every penny he had on him which only left me screwed for about $200. I told the MFer to take his shoes off so I could see if he had any money in em. Another friend of ours is holding $4000 dollars worth of his stolen checks. Stupid on his part to have that much in personal checks. This piece of shit has 12 year "sober" in AA and ripped me off, his supposed sponsor, and tried to rip his sponcee off for $600. He is actually supposed to be speaking at a large convention in March where they will fly him in and put him up in a hotel. Funny huh. Im gonna try and stop that from happening fo the good of AA.

Things are going good for me. Doing step work and reading and prayin. I went to a meeting after the shake down and got asked to be a sponsor of a brand new guy who knows I used to hang out in the same dives he did. We also have mutual friends.

Green Grass on Both Sides

Im wrestling with success. I have come away from this weekend feeling very much happy about being with my wife. Unfortunately there is a large part of me that was ready to be single. I guess this feeling wont last forever and I will be back to being stuck in the middle. But mybe not. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the start of my marriage version 2. Im sad to think of all the drama I wont have with the next girls. Ego feeding bullshit. Man I want a cigarette. A week today without.

Day 4 No Cigs

Well day 4 no cigs. Its tough. Im bout to go to marriage counseling. Im still very unsure of everything other than work the steps and try and live how God would want. Thats pretty much the way I felt when I was struggling not to drink and it worked out pretty good.

Facebook Killed the Blogger Star

Im on facebook now. Im pretty sure fb is the reason for the overall dip in blogger action. Anyway my name is Misery Mark E. Ting. Add me fuckers.

Tryin

So I made it through most of today with no cig. Im going to an alanon meeting tonight with an old friend whose son is bad off. Also day two of the wifey being home. She put the sex move on me last night. I didnt say no. It doesnt fix anything but it was nice. She knew I thought it was a bad idea from a discussion we had earlier that afternoon. I got a 5th step dealy to do tomorrow. Its hard to keep God's will as you goal all the time. Maybe it will get easier soon. i used to be concious of it most of the time. Im trying to remind myself that Im supposed to do "as I think He would have me" so its not as important for me to wonder whether or not He is real or listening or any of that shit.

New Leaf

Well my old lady is coming home tonight after a 4 night stay at her sisters. She didnt want the time away but she offered so I accepted. Im not sure how I feel about living with her again right now but I have a plan. Im gonna focus on me and my program and let the chips fall where they may. Im not going to get a bur up my ass everytime she doesnt do what I think she shouldve. Im gonna take care of everything I want taken care of and maybe one day she will just beat me to it. I also quit smoking this morning. I know you are laughing at that one but I was smoking my morning cig and all I saw was death. Im through with it just for today. I have an appointment Wednesday to confess my dirty little secrets to someone I trust. Im going to try and quit demanding things to be happy and simply dedicate myself to the 12 steps and let it all shake out. I hope that I am free at last free at last from cigs forever.

Circus of Sadness

She offered to leave for a few days and I told her thats what I wanted and more. She ended up saying she would just leave for one night. I had to be so cold to make it happen. She kept trying to point out reasons why she shouldnt go and trying to make me say I love her. I told her I didnt want to. Eventually I told her to leave me the fuck alone and let me do what the fuck I gotta get done. She got her last word in by arranging some pictures of us along with a note on my pillow. It was peaceful in the house last night. I gorged on bad food and went to sleep. Its so weird that I was happy she was gone and yet I couldve cracked at any minute and called her to come home. Even today, when Im pretty sure I need her to stay away, I am finding myself wanting to try and have lunch with her. I miss her. I miss the her that I know she can be. I want to know her again. I want to love her again. I want to be her friend again. I just dont know if that is reality. How many times am I going to chase this dream? How come these feelings get dredged up now when I could force them into my heart just yesterday. There's still that part of me that thinks shes using. There still a part of me that thinks she really wants to be with someone else. I had to know where she was last night. I was scared of what the answer might be. Im scared that she will come home tonight. Im scared that she wont. I havent talked to her yet.

More Bullshit

So my wife and I had a rough couple of weeks. I agreed to give her a chance to wake the fuck up and stop being an unreliable waste of space (not in those words). Today she caused my son to get another tardy. Thats two times in a row and shes only brought him three times. I stressed many times how big a deal this was. It was a problem last semester and still is a problem. So now I have to decide if I allow this to continue or if I have to tep in and handle it myself. If I have to do this I just dont see the point of this marriage at all really. If I have to handle anything that is time sensative or important to me or the kids then Im just going to stay resentful as I have been. I understand that I could achieve Ghandi like enlightenment and manage not to have an attatchment to her success or failure but I dont see it happening. She tells me that I said I would give her a chance to get it together. I asked her what she thought today was? Of coarse she has her excuses but I just dont see them being relevant after the thrid and fourth times. I just dont know if deep caring and possible love are enough of a reward to put up with such aggravation.

Not the Usual Wah Wah

I refuse to have a bad day today. Why would I have a bad day? Well I went broke at the poker game last night. I bubbled out of the tourney getting all in with the best hand and I got rivered in the cash after check raising the flop and betting big on the turn with top set. The bastard had 5,2 and caught the straight on me. I also got up late and dont feel good and my head is spinning. On the bright side my son had a a great day in his new school. I think his teacher is starting to understand that Im not gonna sit by and let her act shitty to him. Ive sent her 3 emails in the first week. She lied about not grabbing his face this morning but admitted to touching his chin. He got the third best grade on his history test even though he missed 75% of the class time they studied it. Booyaah. I gotta get some work done today or Im gonna feel like shit about it. I think Im gonna start working the steps on specific problem areas. Ive never done that so maybe it will open up a whole new way of living for me. I guess I will start with my sons school situation since I have decided that will be the most important thing in my life for a while. Maybe I should work the steps on not working the steps. I was thinking about God and faith and I came up with one conclusion. Even if God doesnt actually get involved personally 99% of the time, trying to live a God centric life works much better than just trying to wing it as we go. Even if there is no God, it works out better to do as we think God would have us do. So maybe I have too high expectations of what God is supposed to be doing. Maybe thats the only gift we need to handle whatever comes down the pipe.

Checking In

What a couple of days! My sons school shit, my wifes complete inability to function as a normal person, my oldest son getting very upset cause he saw me telling his mom fuck you and go live with your fucking parents, and me spilling my guts to him about how bad its been for me the last 2 years and how Ive been so terrible to him and his brother. I feel ok though. I am putting my kids needs at the top of my focus right now. I have managed to do about 10 hours of homework in a row with no angry outbursts. I went the whole day today without saying anything too mean to any member of my family even though my wife slept the whole day ad failed to a couple of things. I would usually try and make her feel like a fuckin loser for being a failure. Ive still read the Courage to Change meditation every morning except for the morning where I was yelling fuck you. So I read two the next morning. I dont feel as crazy or depressed even though shit is as bad as it has ever been.

Is it Ok?

Is it ok to say you are going over to visit a friend because you are upset and not show back uptill 5:30am? And you are supposed to take one of the kids to school. And your cell phone dont work nd you dont ever call to let them kow anythig.

Fuck People

My son got in his Moms car today on his second day of his new school crying. I was afraid of this. His religion/spelling/vocab/social studies/science teacher is a fucking cunt from hell. I met her. I saw how she treats her kids. His Mom was also treated very rudely. She is being particularly mean to my son. She speaks in terms of we vs. you. When my son says he has done a thing she tells him she doubts he has done it the way we have done it. Today when he said he had done something in his old school she told him that it wasnt a good school and thats why it shut down. This is a school he loved where his teacher was nice and tolerant. Im ready to murder someone in her bed while she sleeps. Theres no good way out of this. I am going to have a conference with her but it wont help. She is a vendictive cunt bag. This is wy I didnt want him in a Christian school. Now when I go raise hell they can just tell me that I am not cooperating with their religious ways and ask me to leave. This is gonna get ugly. I am going to fuck somebody up over this. Id like to slit her throat and play in her blood. How fucking dare she make my son feel like a burden. He came home today and went in the closet. Never done that before. I only see one way out. Money. Money opens up all options. Im tempted to quit my job and homeschool him and make money playing poker or dealing drugs or robbing banks. I fucking hate people. Im done with them. Im going to spend the rest of my life trying to own people rather than interacting with them. Ill make it where every time someone searches for their school on the internet the only results they get will be stories about how they moleste children. If they push me to the point of pulling him out I swear on the souls of my grandchildren they will fucking regret the day they ever met me.

Poem for Hot Jade

I gotta stone in my shoe, Padrone
All my friends need methadone
Masters will says use the phone
I cant go out
I cant stay home
Pain clings to my head
Like a two year old
Aint no quick fix
Just this can of Skoal
Run, run, run, run, run , run, run, run
Run to the bathroom
To swill is my will
Bill is a frill
There's a reason why caff ends with fiene
Dont stretch out your weiner on ephedrine
No room now for pipe and screen
Time to deny the Phillestine

Burn Before Reading

I have read the Courage to Change deal every morning this year. It wont last. I havent been as depressed the past few days. That may actually last. Ive actually worked fairly hard the last couple of work days. I plan on qitting smoking after I take care of this thing I gotta take care of. I dont think Im gonna move out any time soon. I dont know why. I dont know why Im blogging this. You people would rather me wax philosophical about my dreams or my secret love for my mother or have me write a poem. Actually you probably want me to rant and rave and complain like I always do. Oh well.

Another Year Without a Beer

Its 2009 now. Im sitting in an AA meeting at the local AA club house Alcathon. The wifey and I usually go out to eat and go to the AA dance and kiss at midnight. She didnt feel up to doing anything this year. I coulda gone to something funner with friends and girls and shit. For some reason Ive just came to the 10pm and midnight meetings and I havent gotten out of this lazy boy for 2 hours even between the meetings. I may sit here till 5am. Id rather be at a strip club.

Grow the Fuck Up

Im siting here at the marriage counselors office. My wife is going to be about 25 minutes late for the appointment. She was 3 hours late to my family Christmas and 2 hours late to her own families Christmas and total didnt go to my other family Christmas. She wonders why I tell her to grow the fuck up.

A Girl with a PhD

I went to have coffee and a meeting with an old friend who was in town last night. Of coarse it was a chick. She isnt an affair waiting to happen or anything. I care for her welfare and have no interest in her in that way (anymore. I was her first wink wink). It was nice as always to have an intelligent conversation with an interesting educated opinionated informed person (who happens to be hot). I married a young air head high school drop-out. There is no geo-political theories or theology debates in my house. She is great at what she does but unfortunately I dont care about it. She's funny but Im not in the mood to be around funny. She's so worried Im gonna walk out that shes not that funny right now anyway. Im glad we arent going to our first counseling session today. We got the date wrong and its actually a week away. Im looking forward to it like a root canal. I want to get away so bad right now. Go for a pack of cigs and disappear. Damn kids. I couldnt do that to them or myself. I just want to make it through Christmas and New Years. Then maybe Ill take a marriage vacation.

Meh

Geez what should I talk about. I guess the biggest thing going on right now is the impending separation period me and the wifey are probably going to have. She dont want it but I do. I have gotten over a lot of extreme emotions in the past year. I wonder if this numb feelng I have towards most of the things and people in my life is just my minds way of dealing with it. Just shutting down. Im not interested in her, God, work, poker or AA. I have been going to bed a lot ad watching the boob tube and falling asleep. Sounds like classic depression actually.

10 Honest Things

Ok I was tagged by the super cool and super hot (I imagine) Margeaux to tell 10 honest things to shock and awe my audience. I wont be tagging anyone because I they've probably been tagged already.

1. I was recently informed by a good lookin female highschool friend of mine who lives a couple of hours away that she would like to have a relationship with me and it could either be meaningful and emotional or just sexual. I think about it (not the meaningful or emotional part). Crazy.

2. I had something here but I thought maybe it wa a little TMI. Thats honest right?

3. I used to be a scum bag search engine spammer. It started with filling pages full of dirty words and celebrity names and then redirecting the traffic to the appropriate pron site. Eventually it was no pron but everything else and sending it to PPC affliate programs.

4. Im afraid Im going to get outted for this blog one day but I also wonder if that would be a bad thing in the long run. I imagine I will get scared and delete the dead give away posts.

5. Theres a chick in my office who likes me. She is always giving me eyes and saying shit with "if we werent married" in front of it. I dont think she would ever act on it but its fun to play with. She is just cute but has a nice rack and displays it.

6. I find my wife very uninteresting lately. Nothing she says or does or wants to do is interesting to me. I think aout leaving but I stay because Im hoping that feeling I used to have that we would always be together and shes the only woman Ill ever want to be with will magically come back. We are about to start couselling and Im thinking it will be like chewing cotton for 30 minutes. I do however still enjoy the sex I rarely get. My wife is a hottie.

7. If I am not going to a meeting at lunch then I like to go sit and eat in a restaurant. My preferences are based on the cute girl ratio. Like my first choice is always Hooters. If I have to eat alone I will go to the food court at the mall (alone in Hooters dont work too well).

8. I cry in movies for joy and sadness. Like remember when little Simon Birch killed his best friends mom with a baseball. Or in Armegeddon when Bruce Willis tells his daughter he isnt gonna be able to keep his promise and come home. Or in Rocky 2 when Adrian wakes up and says "Win".

9. Deep down I believe money can buy happiness. And yet I still dont want to work hard for it I also know other things can achieve happiness that I dont care to work for.

10. I was voted Class Clown my senior year of highschool. I voted for a dude who was funnier than me but I was pretty popular so I took it down. Now Im tempted to sing the opening song of Krusty the Clowns comeback special. "Send in ........... da clown."

Ok um Im done. If Mantramine hasnt done it I tag her.

An Unlovely Creature

I made a list as I often do. A good and bad list. All the shit Im doing that is bad and all the shit I should be doing thats good. I felt instantly like even if I could live it that it would be a very short time before I fall back. "Lack of power, that was our dilemma" - Big Book of AA. So I guess I just surrender. Ask God to remove these defects. And until he does jut accept my defective leanings. It feels like Im cutting down on failings. Im cleaning a little more, being more patient with my kids, eating a little less. I never had that cup of coffee and I dont expect to. Im not obsessed or crushing anymore. Work has picked up and my boss actually is givng me some assignments. Ive done some Photoshop tutorials and had some fun creating. I bought a couple of Chantix to go along with the couple I had so I could quit smoking. Id like to score a few more but I have the minimum necessary to quit without having to physicaly withdraw. We'll see how it goes. Either I will have faith and surrender and eventually God will get me there or I'll rebel and go back to living like an unlovely creature. Oh I also wanted to tell you guys that I have a sure fire way to get myself in a good ood and laugh outloud. I listen to "Draculas Lament", the song the dude sang in the bar in Forgettin Sara Marshal. Fuckin genius.

The Curse of Being Awesome

Everyone seems to think my new decision is a good idea. They also seem to think that everyone and their brother is getting into this field. That doesnt concern me. I have actually been doing this type of work already but I just want to specialize in it more. I dont need school to add to the credibility. Actually I dont care if I have credibility. My work will be my credibility. I really just want to create. If my work doesnt stand on its own then Im just not artistic enough. I actually know the programs well enough as it is to do commercial work. Most commercial work isnt super artistic. It tends to be very simple so as not to overshadow the message.

On another note Ive gotten myself into a pickle. I made friends with this girl. I see her once every week or so at meetings and we chat occasionally. She invites me to the restaraunt or coffee bar where everyone is going and I usually decline. We also are facebook friends but we dont correspond very frequently. Well I saw her last night and she was obviously distracted or mad or annoyed or something. So I facebook messaged her and just told her to cheer up basically. Well she told me that she was angry and trying to cheer up basically. She also asked me if I wanted to get coffe sometime before a meeting and gave me her number. I almost told her no because my wife would certainly be uber pissed. But for some reason I said sure. Well I guess I do know the reason. She is a smokin hot early 20 something and Ive had a very shallow crush on her for a year. Im sure she doesnt realize that and thinks nothing of a cup of coffee between AA friends. She knows Im married. If she would have just said lets get a cup of coffee and not included the phone number I would just take it as just something people say. But the phone number means she is serious about that coffee. I wonder if she can sense my attraction and wants to play with it like I do. Not do anything but just bat the sexual tension around like a cat with a bottle cap. I doubt it. She is just a nice person who just likes to have coffee with her sober friends. Oi vey. Please dont be too obvious with your comments. I obviously know it would be wrong to try and have a friend who Im attracted to without my wife knowing. So why did I say yes?

New Professional Direction - 47 to1 shot

Ive decided to become a Graphic Artist. I give myself 47 to 1 that i will see this decision through. I actually do enjoy this type of work. I will now try and become a Photoshop guru. After that I guess I will have to learn Illustrator. I have done this kind of work professionally but not at the level I would consider anything more than amateurish. I will start by teaching myself all the effects tutorials I can get my hands on. Wish me luck because Ive got to figure out something to do with my professional life that I enjoy. When I am actually working on graphics I can get lost in them. I need more of that. The cool thing is that I can learn this and apply this at my current job.

Does Anyone Feel Good Most of the Time?

Im feeing very fuck-it-ish. Maybe I should do the anti-depressant thing for a while. Why is life such a daily struggle? I spend my time trying to feel better. Through blogging or cleaning or eating or poker or searching for faith or figuring out a career that is fulfilling or figuring out a career that will make more money or figuring out how to enjoy my marriage or thinking about running away from my marriage or dicking around on facebook or watching tv in silent desperation. I wake up feeling disappointed. I dont want to do what it is that the day asks of me. Im thinking about becoming a sex addict. At least it would give me something exciting to think about. I get so excited to get stupid blog comments just think how exciting it would be to get sexual propositions! Maybe I should try and have an interoffice affair. That might improve my job satisfaction. Im still glad that my mind has stopped racing like it was last week. I still feel like I have a bunch of choices. I just dont like any of the feasible options. Well I guess I should try some not so feasible options. Anyway Im either about to lose my mind or Im on the brink of some great discovery.

Inverted Priorities

I have been thinking about how my true priorities are inverted from what they should be. For instance the idea that if you have your health then you are ok. Well my health is so not a priority to me. In fact ruinning my health actually seems very important to me. Smoking, eating, not sleeping right, etc... I wrote a short list of ideal priorites. They are, in order, health, security, education, service, and home upkeep. It would b so nice to implement this in my life. Way better than watching tv, eating fatty crap, playing cards, and goofing off on the internet.

On another note I decided to try and think with my hands this morning. I would just concentrate on my hands as if they were my brains. I guess it was my way of trying to turn off my thinking like the Power of Now book talks about (Im only in the first litle bit)

Frikin Retorted

I feel empowered today. Like everything is a matter of choice. How I feel, talk, act, react, etc... It feel good. I have no hang ups, no defect flare ups, no obsessions, no resentments. Today I have the precious temporary gift of being ok with where I am, who I am, and what Im doing. Peace of mind is fabulous. I guess you can tell by the lengths of my blog posts that Im living well today. I really appreciate you blog people. Even the ones who have negative things to say. I dont take it personal in this forum. I ve ahd a few instanecs where I was told something I didnt agree with and I didnt even have to retort. I only retort on the internet if I think it will be fun. Im retorted.

stupid

ive had a headache for a month. stupid cigarettes.

Lust

Well I guess since Im feeling good Im supposed to blog anyway. I am getting a little sucked into social networking and looking through anyones pictures who leaves them public. Im a total voyuer. My favorite are club and beach pics obvously. I think its fun to put girls first names into Google search. There always a few hotties for any random name like "Tina".

Stupid Cigs

I am trying to cut down on smoking in preparation to quit. I smoked my wake up cig but I didnt have my morning drive cig. It sucked. I lasted about an hour and 45 minutes at work before I couldnt stand it. Im gonna try and make it to lunch. I gotta get my hands on some Chantix.

Other than that Im good. My mind hasnt been racing. I got plenty of shit thats not going my way but it pales in comparison to feeling trapped in a broken brain.

Ill have a Whopper with Freedom.

I must bitch a little. Im trying to get my buddy outta jail. The only thing holding him was some warrants for unpaid traffic tickets. Between the Prison bonding office, the central booking office, the records department, and the traffic ticket office I ve probably taked to 15 different people. Out of that only one person was even moderately polite. These people dont say hello, thank you, or good bye. They act like Im some annoying telemarketer. Maybe they think Im a piece of shit because I have a friend in jail. I know they deal with plenty of pieces of shit but why should that matter. They represent our city and should not act like assholes even to igorant criminals. They act just like those drive thru people with the giant chip on their shoulder. And just like the drive thru people they fuck everything up. My buddy had to do an extra night in jail for their incompitence. Sad.

Who You Callin a Psycho

I went to turn the radio in my car down this morning becuse it was so loud only to realize it wasnt on. Ive had a better couple of days. It doesnt feel like there are rabid squirrels having a fight in my head. BUT I wish my wife wasnt sick, my kids werent disobedient, and my friend wasnt in jail looking to me to bond him out. Oh ba dee Oh ba daa life goes on.