Shocked and Confused

Well Im shocked really. My wife told me she was thinking about leaving me. Im not shocked about that but about the fact that I really dont want her to do that. I am flodded with all this sorrow and affectionate feelings and shame and guilt about how Ive ben acting towards her. She asked me to leave for a while and I talked her out of it. She thinks that I can promise to be nicer but only manage it a coupla days. She may be right. She drives me crazy. She doesnt do anything the way I would. I also dont think Ive ever let myself believe she loves me since she told her affair that. It hurts my hurt just to talk about her affair. Its still right there in my face. She told me her affair was drinking again. That doesnt make me feel any better about anything. I was proud of her for making amends to me. Something my wife has never done formally. Anyway Im getting off the subject. Sometimes I curse not leaving when I had the golden ticket. Am I gonna curse myself for not leaving this time? Is it my fear or pride that doesnt want her to move on or is it my true love for her? I have so many layers of fears that I cant really tell whats true.