Im struggling to find sustained happiness. I have some things that I feel good about and things I dont. I also have things I like that maybe hurt me in the long run and many things I dont like which are obvious bennefits.
My son makes me happy. When he does something Im proud of or something he is proud of, it makes me happy. I love just going to eat with him. He does drive me crazy when he throws fits because he isnt god at things which take time and practice which he hasnt done but I guess thats just the frustation of seeing your kids struggle with life lessons that we cant seem to get them to internalize.
Other than him I like my dogs and I like playing sports and games. I like going to 12 step grops but that is a lot more enjoyable when I feel like Im doing better.
The hard stuff Im sure you are aware of. The depression, the struggling relationship with my wife, the job, the smoking, the struggle to find a lasting faith. I wonder how much would be olved if I found a solution to the depression. I keep thinking about getting back on medicine for that but never follow through.
Sometimes I just want to check out for a while. Do some pills or smoke some weed. Sometimes I wonder how long it would take for drinking to get bad. I dont put a lot of stock in these thoughts. I think they just let me know that Im really fucked up. It always seems like its gonna last forever when I get here. I feel useless and faithless and hopeless. I will eventually try and take some positive actions such as the steps and stuff. I wonder if Ive ever really done them at all sometimes. Maybe the relief from the drinking obsession was a pure gift and not the result of my brilliant step work.
I feel like Im droning on about the same stuff al the time but fuck it. Its my blog. If you dont like it dont read it. I just feel better when I sort it all out in writing. I would find it boring to read if I were not me. I'll end with a short but poignant quote from Red in Shawshank Redemption: "Terrible thing to live in fear."
Monday, March 9, 2009
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3 comments:
Hi, I promise you if you hit the right meetings and hook up with some cool sober people(yes WE are out there lol)things would begin to get better. Just an FYI, I am on depression meds that work wonders. I too was feeling shitty, and they seem to be doing the trick. Don't be so hard on yourself. Be good to you.
I don't know who Brooks Hatlen is.
Most people quit smoking around mid 40's. That's when you start hacking up green stuff every morning.
I think you should just rip the f'n bandaid off...
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